2 1/2 years later

I doubt anyone will ever look at this.....I quite the blogging world back in '06. Back then, things were starting to get complicated in my life. Very complicated. I may turn this into a series here, to speak of things, of complications, of life. Who really knows, I may just kill this right after I type it.

So, anyway, here it is 2009. I still am ambivalent about blogging. I often wonder who really cares about my thoughts. I also ask myself, "Am I so needy for attention, that I turn to blogging to make myself feel important? Hopefully people will comment on my thoughts, and somehow validate me." I often feel a distaste toward social networking sites for that very reason. You cannot log into Facebook without someone telling their network their agenda. I really am not that interest if you ware watching Grey's Anatomy and then turning in with a bowl of Rocky Road or whatever it is you eat. You see my dilemma, I type, i write about me, when i am so turned off by it in others. I am a dichotomy of actions.....writing about my exploits while being generally displeased about other's updates into their lives.

So, for now, let's just put on an update. Its 2009, and I am in South Point, married to Lisa. We were split up for the bulk of 2007.....my choice. Anyone who might find their way here, well, that story would have to come later (if at all). Those who know about it, well, you know. Most of the things said were true, I did act in ways that were not right. It does take two to make or break it. I quit long ago, and the wheels continued to slowly, bitterly, hurtfully fall off. That was a while ago.....and some interesting things happened since. So, in the very essence of Seinfeld, we were split up, yadda, yadda, yadda, we are back together.

So, we are happy. Its a commitment to happiness. I know the things that make her tick, make her happy. I knew them then, but didn't care to do any of them for a long while. She knows mine as well, and she works with them as I do now. So, as I said, we are doing well. It is good all around, good for all. Are there those who were and maybe still are disappointed? Yes, but things happen, and life does continue.

One thing I know, and have stated for years, is that you cannot depend on people. Especially those of us in the religious/faith community. We build our faith up in the people that are in front of us. They are no different than you. They are broken (I hate that word simply because it sounds trite to me). Leaders are as susceptible to sin as all of us are. Not just susceptible, but possibly more likely, because to lead is to put pressure from the enemy on one's self. So, i say this......you sin, sometimes very purposefully, and they are no different. Even the best things we do are dirty cloths in light of God's righteousness. So, appreciate leaders, learn from them, but do not consider them to be infallible. We are all clothed in this imperfect, sinful flesh and no one gets out of that until its over. So, while we live in this flesh, we are in battle (Rom. 7). Those leaders, they are in the same battle....maybe they have learned to fight them better, but its only through experience, they did not get a free pass. People have aligned against me in a church once.....what do you do? I left Norway like Paul in a basket, quietly. I left pain in my wake....I am fallible. Weak if you must know. I apologize to you for that. I can't make it go away, or even make it up, you just have to let me stand on solid ground and try again. If you don't want to do that, well then, I will always be a disappointment to you.

Back to Lisa.....I can speak in a flowery language, calling her out as my gift. Speaking in loud tones of our love, strong, renewed, better than I remember. But this i know. Disease is lurking around every corner....a blight that will drain the life out of our shared love if we don't watch out. So we watch out, we pray (much more is needed), we commit. We have failed in commitments before, but as I say, you have to start somewhere. She is grand, and I will tell her so, often.

Kids are growing up very well....Sloane is a lovely 14 yr old. Dakota, 11, and newly baptized (Jan17th, 2009). What a family. We have the problems with attitudes and breaking rules, just like the rest of them. But they are good, and I love them. I am not that great of a father, but I try to show them love. Often I show them anger because of my issues with it, I don't model that finest servant, the finest anything. I just try. But, I fail (see 2 paragraphs above this one for further explanation).

I play the guitar at a church in the west end of Huntington. I sing as well. I am really quite taken with it. I don't always consider the weight of it, leading worship. If you always considered the weight of every act, then you would be so pressed, I am not sure if you would move. Grace is a fluid thing, and God means to teach us its fluid rhythm. Yes, realize the great honor it is to worship, to even be a part of leading it, but don't get so caught up in precision and a heaviness of being right, to not enjoy it. God's said His burden is light, because He takes that on. So, in light of that, I enjoy it. Yes, people are worshiping together....and I am playing a part in the music of it, and it brings us all closer to God. Does this make sense....I don't abdicate all responsibility, but I know this....if I waited til my playing was good enough or til my life was right enough, I would never be participating in this. If you really considered all that you did sinfully, how can you sit in a church? Our righteousness is not from ourselves, it is from the one who carried and carries our burden, and we are not meant to dwell in it. East to west. It is gone, live and love and be joyous in Him, regardless of your week. He wants it that way, I know that to be true. I can feel it, often when i play with the team (band), I can feel that. I feel that lightness, and it becomes a moment of grandeur. yes, I often focus on the playing, to make it sound right. And I feed off of that, but the playing of the instrument in His name is an act of worship. Just the playing of guitar is an edification as the lyrics are. When I learned that, I realized that the joy I feel in our rhythm is not just out of it being a good rhythm, but out of it connecting with Him.

So, that is it for now. If I continue, this could be messy, I often have random thoughts on faith, some are very strong in me and they boil up from time to time. Get me started of what happened at Kenova (my old church), and I can go on and on and on. All is forgiven, but I still remember it, and learn from it. I am not even sure if I will keep this up, and I am somewhat sure that I will not be telling anyone else about this. We will see.

If you come across this, send me an email at rob.williamson@marshall.edu. Let me know if it means anything, or just that you ran across it.